I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
