gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
