Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
