I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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