I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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