do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
