im about as happy as oj after his trial
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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