Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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