there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm passing your future prison.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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