I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I supernannyed him into submission
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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