hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
