hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
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I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize