Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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