I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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