just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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