Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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