Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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