would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
This show inspires me to have sex in space
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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