Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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