If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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