Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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