my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
