last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
