She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
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