so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
