i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
