farters have to be the big spoon...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
