my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
