Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
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You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
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With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.