We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
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Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
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she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions