It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
