you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
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I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
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I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water