I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.