How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID