He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
