She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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