If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
