I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
