I think my vagina is haunted
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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