The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
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Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
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I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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