I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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