Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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