how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
