This is not my ceiling
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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