I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you would pick up someone in the library
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
