Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
