If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
whose ass print is on the piano?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
