You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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