Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
