So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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