I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
