y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
