i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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