Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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