note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
