Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
