spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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