So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
