if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
