Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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