Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
