I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize