dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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