So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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