her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My life is pants optional.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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