Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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