Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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