apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I will be naked everywhere
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
