The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
